Trust and Faith

If you have been following this blog for any duration you have likely learned that there is no ideology or institution that I trust, that I have no tribe, and that even my own family is suspect. If it weren’t for my memories of deep connections with some wonderful men, who, it so happens, were similarly outliers, I wouldn’t have much reason to live.

Lately it would seem that God and my convictions are my solace. God has been kind enough not to require an ideology or religion with which to reach him or Is, as Axel referred to the concept of God.

There are also some friends who, mostly, are connected to me through men who have died.

We are not always able to see things eye-to-eye.

I pray for a connection with another such male outlier, and not purely of the physical. However, Feminism has seen to it that every such connection is either a version of a tawdry “hook-up” or comes under the auspices of some religion or other that I don’t wholly take seriously.

I find that my own desire for sex, with another person, is significantly diminished given my investment in various world events. And yet I have taken some pains to restore myself to a reasonable physical condition, even though there was a period there, just before Axel died, where I had let myself go. I think that I am like a sea sponge such that when my world is toxic, I swell.

My world is still toxic but at least with a minimal social life there is not usually any reason for me to eat unless I want to, and so usually I don’t.

I have to assume that it is a gift from God that something that would appear to be a female rapist decided to make me into her project. I consider it a gift because the connection was purely virtual, that is, through the internet, and I have complete confidence in my own security.

I also have complete confidence that this particular creature is one that I am capable of killing, with either an implement, weapon, or even my bare hands.

Would such a capability make me ineligible for heterosexual love with a man who still holds a “sacred” for the concept of “femininity?” I don’t know.

It is funny because recently I was rejected for what the man had interpreted as some sort of “innocence” in me. That’s funny. Most men with the wisdom to fully observe me learn quickly that I have nothing in the way of innocence. My ability to trust and put myself in the hands of a man I love and God has nothing to do with innocence. Any man incapable of telling the difference is himself “the innocent”. I can’t afford at this time to take on a protege, regardless of his protestations of sophistication.

Meanwhile with no man to trust, and certainly no woman, I’ll keep my concentration on God. If God wants me to find or be with a man, he’ll make that a reality.

If instead I am to become a different sort of instrument, he’ll see to that too.




5 thoughts on “Trust and Faith

  1. Pingback: Trust and Faith –

  2. I remember being in a similar frame of mind almost six years ago. I had never been one for people, had escaped my family at the age of sixteen and was unsure what the point was in anything, other than just going on for its own sake. I was losing weight, starting to study in earnest, making plans to get myself an angry looking dog and a motorbike and travel the world writing about art and culture. Until then I was happy to rest in limbo. It was strangely peaceful, strangely painful. I wouldn’t trade what I have now for that time, but I do sometimes move aside for a bit to recreate the serenity of it.

    Also, nice to meet another irreligious theist.

    • Another irreligious theist, and former emancipated teenager as well! I think those things go together. Extending youth and “innocence” for the sake of ideology doesn’t work on everyone, fortunately.

      Having one’s own “plan” is important. For the moment, however, I’m effectively stuck in limbo. Once my home finally sells I wonder if any of my current ideas on what to do will still be valid. Eventually, I suspect that I’ll be forced to sell at a loss but it will be worth it just to abort this limbo.

      • Heads up: the plan doesn’t work. It just sort of keeps you focused on self improvement and away from drugs until somehow life starts happening and you have to cast the plan aside and start over. But hey, a touch of denial here, a checklist there and you have something to do until the next big thing arrives.

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