It has been interesting since the death of Axel, albeit not particularly pleasant, to have apparently attracted a few of his bitter ideological rivals, ostensibly dangling survival, emotional, and even luxury packages toward me as bait.
One of these creatures I did not immediately recognize, but then as time went on recalled specific warnings from Axel with regard to his character or lack thereof. As it so happens I did not myself meet this creature until after Axel’s death. What a surprise.
The odds of our contact being random, in an altogether different state of the union, give me pause. That said, my life has been a series of chance meetings and other instances which defy Occam’s Razor, so there’s just no telling. Perhaps it really is a mere coincidence if a creepy one.
The easiest way for me to recognize these creatures, to include those who offer merely a platonic emotional acceptance plus the implication of financial goodies, is their ostensible or tacit insistence that I must deny positive memories of Axel in favor of flattering the ego of my aspiring benefactor and pretending to share their vacuum of respect in the irrational or unexplained.
A few of such creatures have crossed my path after Axel’s death. Do they honestly believe I can be converted into a Leftist Atheist? Or is this some sort of perverse revenge or exercise of their envy of Axel’s remarkable magnetism and life?
Although I recognize that Axel was human, particularly toward the end, I am not going to suddenly manufacture respect or affection for anyone who demands that I forsake his memory entirely, to include ideological principles.
Of the many “faults” which Axel and I share, I have never put survival ahead of principles except on an emergency or temporary basis such as when I have been threatened by a monster. I am capable of temporarily placating a monster but to voluntarily put myself in the clutches of one especially under the guise of either romance or friendship would erase my learning experiences garnered in marriage to a con artist (a.k.a. “The Han”).
Another “fault” is my lack of respect for jealousy and possessiveness except in purely practical terms. I attempt to address the various dilemmas of monogamy vs. it’s alternatives here: Prosperity and Generosity.
In summary, in my view, emotional insecurity is not a good enough reason for monogamy. Practical and material concerns may well be but these are individual considerations subject to analysis, trust, experience, and even faith. Monogamy is a poor salve for an insatiable ego. It’s a reasonable tool for shared purpose in times of economic and emotional strife. It’s also something that when discarded demonstrates a level of trust that may perhaps only be reasonable in times of plenty or at least some surplus of time and wealth. It is also sometimes reasonable when there’s not enough resources for an insurance policy or back-up plan should either partner leave or die, when the state does not suffice as such a back-up plan.
However, an Atheist is not capable of faith in anyone but an arbitrarily admired authority figure or himself. Therefore, it would stand to reason that an Atheist would assume that merely the appropriate material inducements are enough to cause me to accept him or her as my sole authority in the universe and to otherwise discard my life experiences in such a blind trust.
They are not.
Whereas neither I nor Axel submitted to anything that could be called “Dogma”, we both agreed that unknown, spiritual, irrational, and undefinable elements in the universe existed and that the full knowledge thereof was by definition beyond the reach of man. Therefore, the clearest way to reach spiritual growth and that transcendence of the human experience that is possible during the phase we know of as ‘life’, is through one’s heart in terms of courage and love.
Axel’s heart and courage were made of legends and he taught me that I had those things as well, even if I was made to doubt them by the aforementioned Han who I had the poor sense to marry.
As a result of my four years with Axel, I am a) still alive; b) believe that I am capable of love and courage; c) believe that I have worth as a human being. Therefore, any mortal human who believes that he or she can dissuade me from those lessons represents to me that mythical creature we all know so well as Satan, the tempter, a vital part of the universe in terms of teaching us all that we have the strength to resist it.
So, I thank God for delivering to me these messengers of temptation and showing me that I can resist them and I thank Axel for being my model and example of that resistance.
Although I still have not figured out the practical means of my future survival, for the present, I’m OK. Some people tell me that I should “write a book,” however those people may not be aware of the odds of such a venture actually netting a reasonable return per hour, drop of sweat, blood, and loss of privacy extracted, particularly since I know that I am not sufficiently detached to tell my own story. I’m open to nearly any sort of collaboration venture however with regard to my story or his.
It occurs to me that those persons all too keen to offer me advice, do indeed have a tool to demonstrate their sincerity toward me, albeit after the fact, and that is that I invite anyone who desires that I continue to write my thoughts in this free-to-all, no-contribution-required blog, to include me in your will.
Such a gesture, assuming it actually bears fruition, would force me to consider that the character of the person willing such to me is worthy of my emulation to even include ideological concerns, with the exception, of course, of Atheism. However since an Atheist is not concerned with any principle beyond his or her life not rooted in his or her own sense of authority, such an exception is of course a moot concern.
Naturally, I would only ask such a consideration from those without other heirs. Someone like me!
Meanwhile, I am proud to survive, a pauper, not so drunk with material or wealth of status such as those who have nothing better to do than to tempt the likes of me out of no more noble purpose than boredom and the desire to reflect on one’s own glory within the mirror.
That must be it, because obviously no one could seriously harbor the attempt to convert me to an Atheist Leftist. That would be ridiculous.