If I seem to have a lull in productivity here in this blog it is because I have two unopened items of correspondence. I have not yet decided whether I can bear to know the contents therein. Like Pandora’s box, sometimes it is better to leave mystery untapped and otherwise retain hope. Meanwhile, I go over the possibilities in my mind to determine whether I have a game plan for each one of the possibilities I imagine may lie therein.
Once I decide that I have an emotional as well as pragmatic game plan for each possibility, then I will open these envelopes.
The emotional game plan will likely be some form of escapism until I can somehow frame and rewrite the narrative in my own consciousness.
Since there is no one in my life who has wisdom, the ability to handle responsibility, and the ability to act on my behalf, then I will have to somehow develop these things within myself if I am to progress.
Where feminism comes into this is that it would seem we in the U.S. have arrived at the level of rhetoric such that only women believe that they are in possession of the wisdom for decision making while being entirely free of the capacity to absorb the responsibility for the actions to effect such decisions.
Men, on the other hand, have adopted a mantle of learned helplessness knowing that they’re damned if they do and damned if they don’t.
Ironically, all actions that I may perform that display my own capacity for wisdom and survival seem to reinforce the learned helplessness of men within my sphere. I am told that I am “a strong woman.” This is somehow supposed to comfort me I imagine.
Women, on the other hand, are ready with repeatable rhetoric that is supposed to form the proper and wise world view and course of actions, as promoted by celebrity atheist feminists on television.
This is going to take a while.
Meanwhile, it has become obvious that I do not offer enough inducement for a man capable of contributing to expenses even half-way to move into my home and take it over in terms of large scale decision-making and responsibility. Meanwhile, older men expect me to be in the position to take over those roles in their lives such as to compete with their own daughters in terms of ideology. Younger men frighten me a little and I’m not sure that I can trust them; however, I sense that is the population that I am going to have to learn to accept romantically even if my own sense of romance need be transformed as a result.
One of these letters that mock me and otherwise captivate me may in fact offer a temporary solution to some of my problems, albeit with an uncertain timeline. This one letter contains a judge’s orders with regard to a parcel. However, I don’t feel that I have the strength for bad news in this regard. Only good news. Please, Your Honor, give me a break.
The other letter is an emotional appeal of some sort, either with roses or thorns. Neither possibility appeals. However, I feel that I have some responsibility to Axel to open this letter, eventually, perhaps while significantly liquored up.
Fortunately for me, my friend from out of town arrives today and at the least I know we can come to an accord with regard to cocktails, tranquility, and humor. I’m thinking that I’ll ask her to open the envelopes for me and read the contents to herself. I’ll know from the expression on her face whether I should bother reading these things myself today, tomorrow, or never.