While it is apparent that young poor men don’t have loads of sexual value except with homosexual males, some men are oozing with it. Axel was one of those men. He explained to me that fairly early on he realized that women wanted to manipulate his own sexuality and instinctively resisted this control, as best he could, until his mother emotionally decided to take the reins and force him to marry a woman who he did not love.
Until then, as best as I can interpret, it was women (and girls) who were throwing themselves at Axel. Part of his appeal was his indifference to this attention. It drove some women mad.
While growing up, Axel’s parents’ garage was the cool place for other boys to hang out in. Of course girls would show up, and Axel was indifferent to anything that they were offering that wasn’t helpful to the particular enterprise at hand, which was, generally speaking, hot-rodding, music, or sailing.
Plenty of Axel’s friends would take advantage of the steady stream of girls to his door, in particular, those willing to “settle” for them.
Meanwhile, Axel’s attitude was apparently, more on the line, of “what have you got?” or “what are you offering?”
While surely he was good looking, looks were not Axel’s major asset. Physically he was also made of legends but even that was not the whole thing. Wealth was also not his major appeal, most of the time, although he had had his time in the sun there. I believe that it was his ability to lead other men which really set women on fire for him. I got to experience merely a hint of this ability in my association with him although that period was marked by his alienation from his lifetime of contacts such that it was easy to persuade him to move across country, and otherwise completely forsake what was left of them. However, even in this new environment, the desire of men to put themselves into Axel’s service was apparent. Most of these men (but not all) were heterosexual.
Axel’s dominance and ability to take on authority was evident in every venture.
Axel’s mechanical and physical intelligence was legendary and imitation-worthy alone however it was his sense of honor and loyalty (with men) which emotionally inspired them. Moreover, he seemed to genuinely care about men in terms of helping them realize their own potential as human beings.
However, his alienation from his support systems when I met him was telling. Part of that was his economic devastation as a result of a combination of factors to include the busting of the U.S. real estate bubble. However, outright betrayal by both men and women was also a factor. Surprisingly, Axel tended to have a soft spot for vindictive and narcissistic human beings.
His 10 year sobriety was also a factor in that he had essentially left his party-buddies behind.
What Axel was not however, despite outside delusions to the contrary, was a master at cocksmanship. His appeal was largely on an emotional and less-tangible level. It so happens, although there are plenty of women who are purely mechanistic when it comes to sex, most of the women I know require a more “intuitive” connection. That was certainly the case with me and Axel. I require the more intuitive connection rather than some sort of mechanics. With the right connection, I don’t even require touching in order to orgasm. Moreover, I’m not some sort of sexual marathoner anyway. I’m old!
Intercourse with Axel was not some sort of pornographic marathon but rather deep, and even religious, connection. Men who don’t get that have probably never had women begging for them. I feel sorry for them but don’t believe that they have any entitlement to send me insulting or otherwise over-intrusive emails. Meet me in person and put your words on the line, young bitter cynic! You expect to actually know me, a professional writer, by words alone? Are you really that naive or entitled to my private thoughts without even having the courage to meet me?
While I am perfectly willing to coach and train in the arts of love, I also realize that my own knowledge is so vast that chances are a “student” of mine would drop me like a hot potato for a younger, prettier, wealthier, or more innocent model upon “graduation”. The only exception would be if I were to take on the role of Dominant, because apparently men strongly desire that of me. However, since that dynamic touches on my incest trauma, it is not going to happen, for the safety of all parties concerned.
For the record, I’m proud to have taught Axel plenty! With all his experience he was never so arrogant to assume that he couldn’t learn anything from me. Such is the hallmark of a superior lover. Chances are, however, that such a sense of openness and exploration cannot be taught.
Since sexual connection with an intimate other is a driving motivational force in my life, I realize that makes me vulnerable as it does with those men who feel themselves to be of low sexual value. Being alienated from the modern world for 17 years doesn’t make this situation easier. It doesn’t even matter apparently that I am attractive unless I’m willing to give out free cam sessions (which I’m not) or give out revealing photos which can be used to identify me by persons who may be my political enemies (‘no’ to that too).
Most men are justifiably hurting as a result of what society and women have done to them. I’m sorry about that however I didn’t do it. I was out of the country, etc. Regardless, I have no way of knowing whether a man who is afraid of me has some untapped potential behind his hostility for my apparent archetype. Moreover, I don’t really know what the rules are any more in terms of what is expected of me. Apparently I am incapable of meeting those unlisted expectations thus far.
This disappoints me but also further alienates me from women. Therefore, even friendship with women will not be my consolation prize in my celibacy. Contact with children is also pretty well out of the question. Old people annoy me in that they don’t realize that the entitlements they have come to expect extract a heavy toll on the younger generations.
I therefore spend more time that I should simply interacting with strangers on line. If I had a man to take care of however, I wouldn’t have the need for it. I’d be too busy coming up with exciting recipes and health regimens for him or whatever he wanted of me.