The Firing Squad

Inspired by: Naughty by C. Frank Davis.

Within which was thoughtfully provided: A Counterblaste to Tobacco by King James I of England

At a local recycling center, I am appalled at the lack of concern for my neurological health, in terms of a lack of signage prohibiting a certain dangerous, filthy, noxious activity.

While disposing of my virtuously collected recyclables to include bottles, cans, paper, plastic bags, and styrofoam, with those particularly odorifous items such as cream containers and tin cans thoughtfully and hygienically processed prior to in my dishwasher using biodegradable, fragrance free soap, I was assaulted by a most offensive odour which caused me to panic, experience a violent allergic reaction, and question my own moral virtues.

It was dreadful! How can it be that this noxious substance is not prohibited in my recycling center?

What sort of barbarian would wilfully subject me to this horrible thing with no concern for my welfare?

Obviously, some filthy cat person would only be so inconsiderate and disgusting as to expose me to a neurological toxin so vile. Her (and it is almost always a her) own addiction to the substance notwithstanding, such persons should be subject to an intense international campaign of shaming until they learn that they are evil to expose virtuous persons such as myself to the mental debility engendered by such a toxic and addictive substance, namely cat litter fumes.

Fortunately, thinking quickly, I immediately began to purify my abused and injured respiratory passages by lighting a cigar, upon which point, I was of course arrested for contributing to the moral corruption of a minor.

I hadn’t noticed at the time, but a cat lady was behind me, and her clothes and hands were exposed to some small portion of the vile toxins present in the air thanks to my cigar which happened to have been downwind of her, but, no matter, because no portion of this incredibly toxic substance is safe.

The possibility that some trace of this substance could have been retained on her clothes and hands is a clear danger to the welfare of the foetuses within her pregnant cat at home.

I’ve requested death by firing squad. I think you all know what shall be my last wish. Let that be a lesson for all of you.

3 thoughts on “The Firing Squad

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