I was asked recently, by a younger man (I don’t generally pursue romantic or sexual relationships with younger men Edit: but am seriously considering branching out for the right individual) what I look for in a romantic partner. Since I’m obviously a social outlier, perhaps my attitudes could represent future trends in the young women coming down the pike. Or perhaps not and that may be just as well.
While the cigar, physical stature, and apparent self-assurance I cloak myself in tend to attract men desiring to serve me, they’re wasting their time. A man who with absolute confidence (which cannot be faked) asserts himself such as to direct my actions in some way tends to get my attention. Such a man doesn’t do so in a bullying or threatening manner but rather with an absolute assurance that his direction toward me is what I need and therefore, even if I don’t appreciate it at the moment, in time I will. If not, then, no big loss to him.
So why would I present myself in a manner so contrary to my inner nature? Simple. I’m not interested in being either bullied or threatened. I have deep resources of self-defense which I have been forced to use not having had the benefit of outside protection most of my life. While a sweet, vulnerable and petite girl might find herself inundated with protective behavior, I don’t have those resources of attraction available at my disposal and therefore my vulnerable nature does not present itself in public. Period. At the same time, since I know that I’m attracted to social outliers myself I tend to go looking for them in unusual and perhaps dangerous places. Women like me do not generally live to see ripe old age and therefore young women desiring to emulate me likely harbor self-destructive impulses. As for myself, I’ve always been more about survival than self-destruction but with most routes of survival closed off to me, I choose unconventional tactics.
Physical and Mechanical Intelligence
Men capable of managing and taming the physical world attract me enormously. A man who owns his own tools and knows how to use them to create and repair objects of usefulness is worth his weight in gold. This sort of intelligence attracts me more than men who wish to compete with me intellectually. Even an intellectual man who believes that he needs to compete with me is for me an object of ridicule. Such an attitude informs my understanding of traditional gender roles. Whereas traditionally women educate children, a man desiring to compete with such a woman on her level is like an upstart child. While I don’t require an intellectual superior to be my mate, such a superior is wiser to indulge and humor me rather than perpetually humiliate me. Those who prefer the former are probably not my intellectual superiors but rather have superior social and psychological manipulation skills, which is not unusual, but also not something I think of as “masculine”. A man who plays from a level of practical, physical, and mechanical superiority is more likely to inspire my obedience to him. A man determined to compete with me however is not someone who I would rely on in a crisis for that would be like relying on a boy rather than a man.
While I’ve often ended up with “lone wolves” I’ve established new rules going forward. A man with whom I would permit myself to sustain a relationship must have at least one close friend in whom he can completely trust with his private life. The reason I would require that a man interested in me have such a close friend is that in the event that some mediation of our relationship be required, I would prefer it to be with someone whom he trusts so that he would trust the mediation and advice rendered. Arguments are a part of life and we all have baggage and flaws. My particular flaws, specifically, as a survivor of gaslighting and brainwashing, require an outside, less-interested mediator, if complete objectivity is likely impossible, (so why bother)? The moment that my sense of “reality” is challenged as not being “real” I require an outside mediator for in fact, love itself compromises objectivity even in the man of my dreams.
Furthermore, I believe that unintentional gaslighting is a reality of heterosexual relationships because I believe that male “reality” differs from female “reality,” and that’s a feature not a bug. Problems with me often occur, I believe, because men tend to believe that I “think like a man,” at least to some extent more than which they are accustomed in women; however, that’s not true only that perhaps I “think like a man” more than some others. The result therefore of such characterizations of my thought process by men is bound to be either disappointment or even a sense of betrayal. I apologize in advance. My brain merely works differently from most women with perhaps more empathy for men than some others and less group-selection bias toward women than most. I also tend to favor rationality more than some; albeit my feelings are certainly powerful, often crippling, and subject to the vagaries of the moon (even now).
If such a friend of a man of my interest is a part of a couple, i.e., is a person capable of sustaining a relationship his or herself, that would be a bonus.
I learned the hard way that people who do not trust me cannot be trusted. Trust requires tremendous courage because it leaves one vulnerable. Trust takes time and evidence of dependability and honor. I am prepared to provide extra doses of dependability and honor given my unconventional life that does not otherwise comfortably fit modern, standard, human stereotypes; however, if such actions do not in the end inspire trust, I am all too familiar with the reactions that may ensue.
Waking me up in the middle of the night such as to interrogate me is not an abuse I’m prepared to sustain ever again. Rather, such an action immediately calls for the need of a mediator.
There are extremely limited acceptable reasons for waking me up in the middle of the night, given my experiences, and those are that the house is on fire, a calamity of similar gravity precludes the possibility of waiting until morning, or for cuddling, comfort, or sex. That’s right: “I wake for cock.” The fewer words spoken that require higher brain functioning the better. Waking me up for purposes of pummeling me with groundless accusations could one day get somebody shot. I don’t even want to hear that I set up the coffee pot incorrectly. Submissive me is on the clock only during normal waking hours. At night, while I am sleeping, on the other hand, a lizard who looks like me is the one who awakens. Don’t be fooled by my placid appearance. Someone is going to get hurt. It could well be me.
Other than waking me in the middle of the night, in the interest of mutual trust, there is no relationship dynamic too unconventional or sacrifice too great for me to make. Any arrangement for purposes of nurturing trust would necessarily be so highly individual that there’s no point my elucidating here. Unconventional arrangements tailor-made for the individuals involved inspire in me more trust than conventional arrangements such as marriage. Trust and belonging is a very human need that should neither be given nor received lightly.