Apparently, transformation is possible, or it all depends on the particular Myers Briggs test. Here’s the one I used: http://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test
I’m going to assume that extreme trauma, followed by true love, followed by the trauma of watching him die has changed me.
I’ve gone from representing 2-4% of the U.S. population and only 0.5% of the female population to 1-3% and 1.5% respectively. That can’t be good for my future romantic prospects, if any; however, apparently I am now more conventionally “feminine”. I think I can credit Axel for that part of my transformation, for making me feel happy to be a woman, for four wonderful years.
This personality type change gives me a clue as to why I don’t want to be a technical writer any more (an ideal profession for an INTJ) and would rather travel in some capacity that involves human contact with non-engineers (not that I have anything against engineers). I don’t count my upcoming adventure as part of that “travel” although obviously it will be, because I hope that this particular journey isn’t all that long, at the onset at any rate.
As much as I prefer to be some man’s “left hand” that’s probably unlikely. I’m going to have to be my own leader I suspect, which of course is likely to enlarge the pool of men petitioning me to dominate them. Sure, could happen. Number 5001 could be the lucky one! Or dreadfully unlucky as the case would be.
The reason that I don’t dominate men is because I am repulsed by submissive men. For some, that’s all the more reason to weather the humiliation of my rejection. If being repulsed was at all fun for me, I’d be game, but it isn’t. No I don’t feel that submissive men have “the right” to my attention any more than is required to be civil.
I don’t feel that anyone has “the right” to my attention but Axel.
Meanwhile, I admit to be looking forward to being so alone in the world that I need not be concerned with myself just for the sake of someone else. This will allow me to take more risks.
I don’t look forward to missing Axel even though for all extensive purposes he—the man I know—is already gone and I am therefore already in mourning.
However once in a while, traces of the old Axel emerge, sometimes in just a twinkle of his eyes. Those moments make my day. He still has a sense of humor even if I don’t always understand it. Simple sleep deprivation on both of our parts has taken an enormous toll.
His pain however seems to be managed better now. We had a few days at the hospice center during which I petitioned for a new pharmacological regimen and a different home care nurse who I will meet some time this week. Both of these developments are a huge relief. I am understanding better how to work the hospice system for Axel’s benefit. I wish I knew before what I know now.
There are also additional things that I know which are the three possible ways that Axel could die, according to three different medical professionals:
1. Series of strokes followed by a big one. This would appear to already be in progress.
2. Morphine overdose because the pain is just too great, perhaps to occur if his condition worsens to the point that they recommend he be readmitted into the center and fitted with a morphine pump.
3. A rupture in his carotid artery causing him to bleed out nearly instantly.
I am therefore prepared for all of these possibilities. The latter is a little bit daunting given the clean-up possibilities and I have just learned that Axel has let our homeowner’s policy lapse. I suppose I will be shopping for a new policy tomorrow. I am not squeamish however and might even be so perverse as to create some sort of art out of it. Already our carpets are painted in glow-in-the-dark swirls of color.