On Being Childless and Not Exactly Married

An article by Judgybitch inspires a long winded comment by yours truly:


My response:

While I sympathize with all the viewpoints expressed in the article in one way or another (while rejecting others), the notion that we all have to live our lives as role models for children is fallacious. Obviously those who chose to do so are doing their part to shape the next generation. However, just how much progress has been achieved on that front? A few shining examples like Ms. Bloomfield notwithstanding, the future looks rather dim to me, and I am proud to not have perpetuated the dysfunctions. It wasn’t “selfishness” by a long shot unless the refusal to accept the paradigm of endless population growth is “selfish”.

All that said, in my own life, my most satisfying relationships have been without benefit or crutch of marriage, and have hardly been free of either obligation or responsibility on my part as well as his. Turning to the government as my “patriarch” has never been an option given my principles. I’m delighted to be living in “sin”, f-ing my “boss”, and caring for him in sickness as well as in health. I’m also not adverse to obeying him rather than some ideology that couldn’t care less about me.

Obviously, I’m no role model, in terms of traditional norms. However, should there be a total infrastructure collapse, perhaps I will be such a role model given that relationships will have to be redefined altogether for purposes of survival. Specifically, I believe in both the carrot and the stick approach in terms of enforcing negotiated gender roles. I’m not “oppressed” but rather empowered by my servitude to a man I admire.

I’m also an example that not all social renegades need end up in destitution or flagrant self-destruction. My very existence is somewhat of an embarrassment to ideologues of all persuasions. Such ideologues would jump to hold me up as either a cautionary tale or a rags-to-riches success story for which they can take credit. Lacking either option, I used to be happily invisible, as a self-preservation strategy. However, as my purpose in life, caring for my terminally ill partner, draws to a close, I’ll be shifting my purpose.

Meanwhile, he would appear to be actually thriving and full of life.

Therefore, instead of waiting for him to end this chapter in my life, I’ve decided to embark on a project I’ve had in mind for quite some time which is to write a second book. Although I have actually written many books as a technical writer and ghost writer/editor, this will be only my second under my own nom-de-plume. Therefore, if I seem to disappear for long periods it is either because I am working on my book or am perhaps grieving.

Thank you for stopping by.

Still Not Widowed

I am delighted to report that Axel seems to have a new lease on life and even his swelling is down. To what can we account for this? Probably the reunion of old friends who have delightfully descended upon our abode. Of course, he still believes he is “terminal” and so do I, but this apparent degree of remission is fantastic nonetheless.

Nobody knows when or how he will pass. Contrary to popular myth, it is not “cancer” itself which does the killing, generally speaking, but rather the side-effects. The only “killing” that cancer does is the physical crowding out and overwhelming of organs and blood supply, as well as hogging all the nutrients, increasing inflammatory response, and keeping the immune system over-occupied. Something, eventually, is bound to break. When? How? Nobody knows.

Meanwhile, I’ve been forced to try to get more space, away from home, so as to avoid completely losing my mind. Fortunately, Axel’s friends come to his and my rescue while I attempt to regain what sanity I have apparently lost.

Sinister Musings

Ever since college trigonometry, I’ve been wondering about the word “sin” and whether it has anything to do with leftward motion, planets that appear to be retrograde, and clocks that go backward. Some bacteria are left-turning, such as L-acidophillus, with that “L” meaning “left”, whereas kefir is produced by right-turning bacteria.

The natural world is full of microbes that turn left or right.

For me, there is no “Heaven” or “Hell” but rather “forward” and “backward”, with “forward” being a relative term according to perspective. Progress marches on and so does time however there is no guarantee that the forward motion that “progress” appears to be is not actually regressive, and the same would apply to “Heaven” if one’s compass is impaired.

If everything is black/white or good/evil then children at the least know what to do as do adults determined to be children forever. The commands given to children are simplistic: Violence is bad. Service to one’s country is good. Disobedience is bad. Obedience is good, unless the ruler is “bad” rather than “good”.

I believe in a “soul” or something that is “self” that transcends the body; however, narcissists and others with poor self-differentiation who depend on using other people for a sense of power, probably have a weak “soul” that requires a host “soul” in order to exercise “self love”. The more there are narcissists, the more it would appear to me that devolution is in play, or a retrograde Earth according to the perspective of an “other”.

To children, the persons with obvious and visible power are more “powerful” than those with not-so-obvious or invisible power. It is all a matter of perspective. Persons who believe themselves to be powerless are the ones more likely to abuse every bit of power they believe to be loose in their grasp, and to require validation of that power constantly.

Children, potential children, and women are “good” whereas men are “bad” unless they’re momma’s boys. “Good” boys rarely get pussy except as a reward for monetary outlay. “Bad” boys take it, often with little resistance, because they’re so sexy. Good/Bad/Sexy are all in the eyes of the beholder. It is all a matter of perspective. There is no one true way that applies to all persons, of all geographic locations, geographic origins, classes, or ages; however, an easily-understood moral code that even a child can grasp is how one builds an unbeatable utopia, until of course the inevitable demographic/resource/population “Apocalypse”, or cancer.

Endless growth is no more “good” than cancer is “good”. Each and every birth corresponds to an increasing level of death, as the baby grows and starts to consume that which another organism would otherwise consume. Of course, there is no depletion nor “Creation” in the universe. There is only recycling.

I believe that death is something like “Groundhog Day” in which the soul either looks left or looks right to see its “shadow” or the light. Is this directional looking random? free will? preordained? karma? I don’t know. But I would like to think that there is justice, eventually, in the greater scheme of things at least, and that even time is relative.

I believe that those who continue throughout their incarnations to “look left” have an increasingly harder time seeing “good” or “light” with each incarnation. Perhaps it takes a bit of “luck” or divine intervention for a person caught in a regressive cycle to have an epiphany. Perhaps it requires extreme trauma or love, which may be two halves of the same phenomenon.

I don’t believe it is possible to have joy without suffering, or to see the light without also seeing the dark; however, children and women tend to be necessarily sheltered, within the privileged classes at least, from the dark in favor of the light.

I am tending to a dying man who is my one true love while desperately trying to help him see the light even as the hospice  drugs and pain cloud truth and love. In my fantasy at least, when he dies, all the trauma and angst will briefly melt away for his true “self” to be so unencumbered such that he floats toward the light, which is love. I hope he knows how much I love him in his delirium and how much I pray for his positive passage to the next great adventure.

Please pray for him and his transcendence toward the light.