State of the Union

The love of my life has cancer. Axel was diagnosed as “Stage Four Plus” in June. Other than a bit of inflammation about the face and neck, and bouts of agony, he is still his handsome and mischievous self. He is still working in his chosen specialty of carpentry and has scores of satisfied clients, not to mention hopeful women desirous of his time and attention.

Whether his life is to be saved or not has not yet been determined. However, we have new hope in a new practitioner who provides a host of alternative treatments. The mainstream treatment for his particular cancer is as brutal as its poor success rate which means that we have nothing to lose going rogue.

The nature of any life I may have without Axel has also not yet been determined. Hopefully, these new treatments will mean that I won’t need to address that possibility. Meanwhile actually dedicating time and energy to that possibility seems to me to be counterproductive materially as well as emotionally. Moreover, I don’t see how I can be in the least bit objective or act in my own best interest under these conditions.

Although we have an open relationship, Axel’s illness adds a considerable complication. I find that I am simply unable to imagine extending my emotional life to any enterprise that would not directly extend Axel’s life, and that includes devoted attention to a career for example.

On the other hand, there are a few things I am prepared to do which would hopefully involve a minimum of networking or interacting with parties whose own objectives might be in conflict with my own, and here they are:

  • If you’d like for me to help you edit, proofread, and publish your manuscript, that can be arranged if I am suitably inspired by your gift of prose or ideas I find stimulating. Should such a task have the possibility of leading to greater things, so much the better.
  • I have flirted with the notion of being some sort of hostess—where a worldly old blonde fits the bill—perhaps in a cigar lounge or boutique hotel. Although, I’m a lousy role model for youngsters, I clean up well and know how to listen, engage, and clam up, and I possess an international viewpoint having lived and traveled extensively abroad.
  • I could perhaps be a moderator for an online forum that requires someone with my lack of censure of controversial ideas.
  • I am a lifelong nutritional researcher available for personal consultation, in person, in Greater Los Angeles. While it may sound contradictory for the life partner of a nutritional researcher to fall ill from cancer, the consensus by knowledgeable parties is that the cancer arose from Axel’s role as a first responder at Katrina in 2005, six years before I met him. Specifically, it was soon after Katrina that manifestations of a strange and unknown illness appeared, to include skin phenomena. Axel’s cancer is a squamous cell carcinoma a.k.a skin cancer.
  • The nature of our negotiated power-exchange relationship may also be of interest in that it is neither feminist nor gynocentric. I am available for personal discussions to that effect. The reason why I don’t write about it has to do with my desire to avoid endangering Axel from a civil or legal perspective or my own freedom as an agent of my own lifestyle. Feminism has after all become a part of the power structure and therefore I don’t want to tempt it to interfere in my own life. Therefore, any exchange of ideas would have to be kept confidential.

Feminism has had a disproportionate effect on the BDSM culture itself, which might seem contradictory, but only on the surface. Rather it would seem that women call the tune—sexually, ethically, financially, and in terms of generally-accepted protocols. This has resulted in a sense of entitlement that extends through nearly all women in the scene that they are not required to take responsibility for any of their own actions whereas men are heavily policed. As a result, men of an independent frame of mind to include MGTOWs (Men Going Their Own Way), are leaving the scene in droves. Such a case has served to amplify Axel’s appeal while leaving me very few options in terms of romantic diversions within the scene, even before Axel’s diagnosis. It would seem that I am already with the best, and therefore, if he was occupied with another partner, it was my chance to be alone rather than to do the same.

As usual, men with less of a need for the company of women tend to be inundated with it and the reverse applies.

As for the old school BDSM culture that Axel and I have in common, most people just don’t “get it” and flounder absurdly in fantasy notions of it. If we are a couple of “old folks” in our fifties then so much more the misunderstanding for those just getting started in alternative culture exploration of today, or getting discouraged and burned out from it. Even the local “clubs” and “support groups” tend to be something other than what we have such that we offend each other’s sensibilities. Feminism, it would appear, is the major obstacle or the notion that more women makes it better. In my view, vetting and personal responsibility are absolute requirements for any effective power exchange beyond the “stand and model” variety of SM. If that limits the women who are attracted to it that’s a consequence of a gynocentric culture which relieves women of accountability.

As for me, having escaped capture and isolation by a psychopath who, among other more colorful tortures, would constantly accuse me of unfaithfulness based on nothing, it was a welcome relief to be in a relationship where the same accusation would never again be flung at me. My husband accusing me of unfaithfulness was the centerpiece of a pattern of social isolation, sleep deprivation, and gaslighting for which the coupe de grace was the appropriation of my life’s savings along with most of my possessions to include a host of animals (dogs, goats, cows, fowl, and a cat). I escaped with only those possessions I could carry and none of my wealth, to return to a life in the United States from which I had been effectively estranged to some degree for a total of 13 years, with an additional three years so far of gradual re-immersion as part of my recovery from the ordeal.

So, how do I sound now? A real catch, I’m sure. How ironic to be party of the healthiest open relationship on record but yet hardly ever take advantage of it.

Even if Axel is completely cured, that will mean that he’ll have time and energy for some of his satellite women and there I will be with fewer responsibilities toward him and therefore a need to do something with my life of some import…again. Of course a feminist or traditionalist might be ridiculing me and my choices right now but, I don’t apologize for putting love first, however impractical. It’s my nature.

I managed to put together a book based on my life with Axel which has sold a few copies. However my second book has suffered from an inability to reach completion. I find that I am simply unable to write much about the life I had with my husband, a surgeon and criminal con artist who was actually partially responsible for closing down a major hospital! The snitch who disclosed his incompetency was of course a middle-aged California blonde like I am and may be the basis of my husband’s revenge fantasy with me as the proxy.

When I met my soon-to-be-fiance, it was almost 10 years after the scandal and the internet and Google were not the things then that they are today. Even so, it seems so foolish in retrospect that I never bothered to even do a background check on him before accepting his marriage proposal. Instead I swallowed whole his story about a difficult divorce, nightmarish wife, and estranged children as being the whole answer to why a retired surgeon could be in such financial straits as to be forced to depend wholly on little old me.

Men with similar aspirations are advised that the well is dry.

Where Feminism fits into this mess has to do with my instant realization upon my escape from my husband that I had been deluded most of my life. I had thought that by having a high IQ, academic and professional success, and a knack for survival within an unusual and adventurous life, that I was intelligent or smart. I had no idea how naïve and vulnerable I was to the machinations of a criminal con artist. In addition, I had no idea that professional success would be so unfulfilling and yet would impede my efforts at marriage until this con artist came into my life at my then ripe age of 37. I thought that by merely being intelligent, attractive, dedicated, and sexually adventurous, I would be guaranteed romantic success as well as the first three traits had garnered me professional success. (I was a professional technical writer in computer software and hardware in Los Angeles and The Silicon Valley, at the top of my field.)

In fact the entire Progressive catalog of ideas turned out to be wholly flawed in my view, from vegetarianism to multiculturalism to global ecology to international charity, it was all a lie. However, I single out Feminism as the most flawed of all because it interferes with true and lasting intimacy. Instead it creates an artificial climate of hostility while ignoring or papering over biological and psychological differences between the sexes.

However, I don’t align myself with the version of Christianity which engendered the Progressive backlash either. I have my doubts that we can truly know the history of any ideology before the great age of propaganda of the Twentieth Century, but, to me, Christianity has too many flaws. I don’t have an aversion to most of the people or the practices particularly as I have seen it throughout the world, it is just not for me.

As for Judaism, I actually see a lot going for it if it didn’t essentially define a “shiksa” like me as a piece of trash. I don’t actually mind being treated like a piece of trash or object from time to time if the perks are right but would prefer to be treated like a piece of trash on my own merits.

Still I admire the sense of balance in Judaism even if I find Taoism and Hinduism to be the obvious antecedents and more toward my taste.

All that said, it is clear to me that religion is invaluable in maintaining the sort of community which offers a hedge against trauma of all sorts. If Axel and I were a part of such a community then perhaps I would be so involved in it as to not be in my current predicament. If I didn’t take out such an insurance policy then I have to be prepared for the consequences. All that is very well in hindsight. It so happens that the BDSM culture which I thought I knew was supposed to be that hedge in lieu of going the traditional family and religion route. It would seem to me that the BDSM community has fallen victim to the narcissism of all communities of today. Furthermore, I am not at all certain that religious communities are immune from that effect.

I am also eager for advice of all sorts. How proud can I afford to be?

So, consider this piece a long-winded, backhanded, résumé for whatever the future may bring. Such might include a meeting with a stranger to discuss mutual objectives, possibly to include the sharing of a drink and a cigar.

I’ll meet just about anywhere in Los Angeles, and am friendly toward out-of-town visitors, so, what are you waiting for? There’s a form you can use to contact me privately at the bottom of this page.

9 thoughts on “State of the Union

  1. I know there’s very little I can do or say to help here, but I am very sorry to hear your news.
    I hope for the best for you both.
    Kind regards..

  2. I’m sorry to hear that. I’m no expert for what’s best to do in such a case, but I can understand that many cancer treatments can be brutal and maybe not worth it, if the chance of working is small. For what it’s worth, I will mention palliative care can still be of use. It is NOT “dying” care, it’s actually supposed to be done together with traditional cancer treatment, even for people whose cancers have a very optimistic prognosis. Its main goal is to improve the quality of life for someone who has a serious illness, instead of trying to cure it. In the past, doctors thought noncurative treatments were kinda useless unless someone’s dying, but they were wrong (and if someone still thinks so today, they are also wrong). Here’s a good article: It even says that starting palliative care early leads to longer survival. And thus, perhaps it would work to use palliative care for the pain and other symptoms, and alternative treatments for the cure. But whatever you choose to do, I wish you both luck and hope for the best for you.

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