Goldyrocks and the Chateau du Ours

Once upon a time there was a little girl named Goldyrocks. She was quite the little dickens. Not only was she cute as a button but she had an extraordinary skill.

She was an accomplished cat burglar!

But that’s not all. She had her own You Tube channel. When she would go on her heists, she’d bring along a cameraman. What a gal!

She was quite the sensation.

Nothing could stop her.

After dozens of heists her fan base was huge. But still she was not satisfied.

It so happened that there was this sort of Holy Grail of heists—Jewels beyond imagination but stored within an impenetrable vault. This vault was located within the infamous Chateau du Ours.

Goldyrocks was determined that one day the Jewels du Ours would be hers forever.

There’s one more thing that is important to know about Goldyrocks. She would go on her heists completely nude!

Naturally, her videos were positively riveting. In fact, they were so riveting that she received thousands of messages from her fans every single day. Of course, she had a whole staff to respond to each and every one of those messages. Goldyrocks loved her fans!

One day a message came in of particular interest. Here is what it said:

Dear Goldyrocks,

I am a huge fan of yours. I just love your videos. I think that you are amazing. I would like to help you get the Jewels du Ours. I have just what you need.

Sincerely,

Count du Ours, III

Naturally, a message such as this had to be hand-delivered to Goldyrocks personally. The lucky staff member was only too thrilled to do just that.

“I would like to handle this message personally,” said Goldyrocks.

Here is what she wrote:

Dear Count du Ours, III,

Of course I am interested.

How do I know that you are real?

Yours truly,

Goldyrocks

A response was received. Here is what it said:

Dear Goldyrocks,

Meet me at the Chateau du Ours, at the Southeastern Gate at 2400 hours. I will get you in.

Sincerely,

Count du Ours, III

There was no time to waste! Goldyrocks had to wax, buff, and shine her magnificently girlish body! Well, to be accurate, she had to lie still while her staff did these things for her. But lying still was really hard! She was so excited about the evening’s events.

Against all odds, she and her cameraman arrived at the Southeastern Gate at the appointed hour.

There was no one there. But wait, there was someone.

“Oh my goodness!” cried Goldyrocks. “Is that not the cutest little bear!”

“Good evening,” said the bear. “I am at your service.”

Goldyrocks was so surprised she was momentarily speechless.

“Wait,” she began. “Are you the Count du Ours?”

“I am indeed,” said the bear. “I am the third Count du Ours. My father is, however the Count du Ours.”

“But of course,” said Goldyrocks. “But why are you helping us?”

“I need to talk to you in confidence, Goldyrocks,” said the little bear.

Goldyrocks impatiently waved away her cameraman who walked a distance just out of earshot but still keeping her in view.

“What is it, little bear, I mean, Count?”

“I am a virgin,” said the bear gravely, “I shall give to you all my family jewels if only you could be my first.”

“But are these jewels yours to give?” asked Goldyrocks, not that she actually cared.

“They will be,” said the bear just as gravely.

“Okee Dokee,” said Goldyrocks. “That’s good enough for me. Sure, little bear, I mean, Count. I’ll be your first. Where do you want to do it?”

“In the Chateau, of course. I shall lead you to my room.”

“Oh Count,” began Goldyrocks. “I’m going to need to see the jewels first.”

“As you wish.”

The bear produced a key and unlocked the gate. Goldyrocks beckoned excitedly to her cameraman who ran to meet them.

Goldyrocks had a few words to say to her cameraman, and then they proceeded up the narrow and winding stairs, at the heels of the young Count du Ours.

I don’t suppose that I need to tell you that the sight of the gorgeous, nude, Goldyrocks climbing those dimly lit stairs was nothing short of ethereal.

The first stop was the master bedroom.

The young bear produced a key to open the ancient and heavy oaken doors, and lit a lamp.

“Is anyone else home?” asked Goldyrocks excitedly.

“Just I,” said the young bear, “The Count and Countess are not expected back until 0200 hours.”

Calmly and with dignity, the young bear leaped into the air and tapped a stone high in the great stone walls. Like magic, a panel slid open. Inside were the magnificent Jewels du Ours.

Goldyrocks didn’t want to waste any time, she inclined her head toward her cameraman, who, unbeknownst to the young Count, turned off his camera. Quickly, the cameraman stashed all the jewels in his bag.

“OK, Countee, where’s your bedroom?” cooed Goldyrocks.

“Right this way,” intoned the sad little Count and proceeded down the long, dimly lit corridor. Both Goldyrocks and her cameraman failed to notice that the little bear was weeping as he led the way.

“Wait,” said Goldyrocks. “What’s in this room?”

“That is the Countess’s room,” said the young bear.

“Can I look?” asked Goldyrocks.

Without a word, the young bear produced a key to open the ancient and heavy oaken doors, and lit a lamp, then another, then another, and another.

While the young bear composed himself, Goldyrocks stood in amazement.

“What a magnificent room!” she said.

Opulence was an understatement. Everything shone from the heavy, gilded silk drapes to the heavy, gilded silk bed covers to the rich, thick silk velvet rug. Tiffany lamps, leaded in gold, shone everywhere. A magnificent chandelier sparkled. For a moment, Goldyrocks forgot herself and just stood and stared. It was amazing!

“Shall we go to my room now?” whispered the little bear excitedly and now fully composed.

“Wait,” said Goldyrocks. “What is in here?” she asked, tapping a smaller heavy oaken door.

“That is the Countesses’s wardrobe, dear Goldyrocks,” responded the little bear.

“May I see?” asked Goldyrocks.

“As you wish,” said the little bear and kicked a stone at the base of the great stone walls. The door opened and the room lit automatically. “But we haven’t much time.”

“Yeah yeah,” responded Goldyrocks. “I just want to see.”

The array of gowns, cloaks, and shoes was absolutely dazzling. Goldyrocks stuck out her hand to touch the most sumptuous fur, vicuña, cashmere, silk, and linen.

The little bear was starting to get nervous.

“Could we please go to my room now?” he asked plaintively.

“Sure,” said Goldyrocks. “Let’s go.”

<Intermission>

“Good job,” said Goldyrocks to the cameraman as they sped out of sight in his sports car.

“No problem,” said the cameraman, “I just have two questions.”

“What’s that?” asked Goldyrocks.

“Before I burst into the room, what did the Count do when you yelled the magic word?”

“Which Count?”

“Both of them.”

“They were speechless with terror.”

“What did the Countess do when you yelled the magic word?”

“She fainted, of course.”

Can you guess what the magic word was?

I’ll give you a hint.

It starts with an “R”.

It ends with an “E”.

It’s only four letters long.

And now Goldyrocks has everything she’s ever wanted, and so, of course, she lived happily ever after.

The End.

Copyright 2014 Caprizchka

Postscript: This article basically makes the same point but for adults: http://www.avoiceformen.com/gynocentrism/rape-culture-culture-and-creeps

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