The Importance of Cat Subsidies

Owning cats is a fundamental right that taxpayers should subsidize. Interfering with the needs of cat owners to have as many cats as they want is an invasion of privacy. Kittens need lots of love and care, food, entertainment, and places to play and they’re adorable to boot. It is in the interest of the taxpayers to see to it that all of these needs are met by ensuring that disadvantaged cat owners receive a subsidy and that government paid cat sitting services are available to all.

However, people who give away cats to others shouldn’t be given a pass. These cat givers actually come to people’s homes bearing boxes of these cuddly and adorable creatures. Naturally, prospective cat owners are unable to resist and are therefore compelled to take these cats for their own. Some cat givers even abandon these cats in baskets on doorsteps! There was never a worse criminal.

These deadbeat cat givers must be hounded to the ends of the earth to ensure that they are paying for the upkeep of all cats that they give away including the needs and comfort of the cat owner. Some cat givers are so irresponsible as to give multiple cats to many different cat lovers! We must therefore monitor these criminals to the full extent of the law! Their bank accounts, spending habits, salaries, internet activity, associations, and voting habits must be scrutinized for every possible hint that they are earning any money whatsoever. Only by imprisoning, impoverishing, or driving them to suicide can we ensure their cessation of this dreadful, filthy habit.

Whereas requiring sterilization of cats or requiring a limit on how many cats a cat owner can have or a cat giver can give would be the height of government intrusion.

Think of all the good that these cats do! Why they give worth and purpose to people’s lives! Moreover, some of them even eat mice; although of course, that is cat abuse, particularly when the government should be paying for their food and thereby give these cats no need to stoop to the indignity of mice eating.

Of course preventative measures are also called for. Potential cat givers must be educated as children to see the errors of their ways, shamed until they have no desire to give away cats to anyone, or they die laughing from the bitter irony of it all. Cat owners, on the other hand, are utterly without fault and to trouble them in any way could even have the unfortunate effect of causing them to be less than affectionate to their cats, turn away new cats, or become cat givers themselves!

Ensuring that there are always plenty of cats being bred also performs three very important services in the interest of the taxpayers: 1) The culling of excess wild birds and lizards; 2) Ensuring that coyotes are well fed; 3) Perpetuating insanity.

2 thoughts on “The Importance of Cat Subsidies

  1. Pingback: The Firing Squad | caprizchka

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